I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
You Might Also Like
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
🌱🌱🌱
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Go gym
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll