I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
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The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Nice try Hitler
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Priorities
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live