Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

Cause of death: Zumba

[at mechanic]

me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment

mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face

[First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.

Very problematic

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.