Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

God: you’re a parrot.

Parrot: ok.

God: you can repeat everything you hear.

Parrot: humans are the worst.

God: uh what?

Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.

God:

Parrot:

God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?

Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

date: omg !!!!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.