Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!

those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

Interviewer: can I get you anything?

Me: yea a job

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

I can easily control the weather.

– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:

4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.

Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.

4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.

Me: …why?

4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.