I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
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If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Chemical wingman
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
The Compass
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
The second world war should have been called world war returns
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.