Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”

Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?