i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
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My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
damn he’s good
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
felt that
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to