i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
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If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Raisins are grape jerky.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
How it started How it’s going
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.