Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

The glory of fall.

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath

“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.