I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
You Might Also Like
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Mission: Impossible
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.