@XplodingUnicorn

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

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@LizerReal

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

@generaldietz

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

@dumbbeezie

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

@XplodingUnicorn

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

@heatherlou_

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

@phxguy88

A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.

@fishbowel

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

@dankashane20

I want to get a medical bracelet that says, “Shy” so I can I just hold it up during social situations.