Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
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Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
my proudest tweet
What can I do to pass the time?
I want to get a medical bracelet that says, “Shy” so I can I just hold it up during social situations.