I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
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As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
*watches the world burn*
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.