I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
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My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.