Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

[1999]

“y2k” making us anxious

[2019]

“k” making us anxious

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

2022: I can fix it

Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?