I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
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me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti