Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

*wakes up screaming*

Wife: What happened??

Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.

Wife: Silly that’s impossible.

Me: The flying leopard part?

Wife: No, the part about you jogging.

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

Manager: just got a quick little job for you

Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.

It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day

Opens the bottle of hot sauce

I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine

I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for