I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
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Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
This will never not be funny 😭
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way