I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
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Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
my mind
You just read my mind
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.