Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
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“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
When someone yells “STOP!” I never know if it’s Hammertime or if I should collaborate and listen.
Writing a good suicide note is hard, especially if you don’t know that person’s handwriting.
“You’ll be visited by 3 ghosts.”
“Will they show me the true spirit of Christmas?”
“No, they’ll try to eat you.”
Pac-Man Christmas Carol
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!