I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

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Netflix had to issue a warning to people blindfolding themselves after watching Birdbox.

You all keep finding new and creative ways to be historically remembered as the dumbest society since the Enlightenment.


I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.


I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.


DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*


Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.


Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad


“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.


@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.


1816: a grizzly bear ate my mom as she fetched drinking water.

1916: I’m in a muddy trench, bleeding internally.