@3sunzzz

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

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@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

@GrantTanaka

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

@IamEnidColeslaw

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

@QuickandSisi

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

@ventivodkacran

When someone yells “STOP!” I never know if it’s Hammertime or if I should collaborate and listen.

@Modern_Psyche

Writing a good suicide note is hard, especially if you don’t know that person’s handwriting.

@Phook75

“You’ll be visited by 3 ghosts.”

“Will they show me the true spirit of Christmas?”

“No, they’ll try to eat you.”

Pac-Man Christmas Carol

@daniel_shaw

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!