Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

Found my door mat

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

LOOOOOOL

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

[Annual Review]

Boss: how do you think you performed this year?

Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.

Boss: you’re fired.

Me: This is such an accrual profession.

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”

Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

Alexa, put me to sleep

“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …

Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.