Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”

#have a #great #PancakeDay

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips