I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
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People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I hydrated. Surrender now.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.