I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
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It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*