I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
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That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.