Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.

Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.

1st snow: let’s play in the snow!

2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.

3rd snow: let’s move.

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

Isn’t

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children