Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this

[later]

virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

AM I BEING GASLIT????

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.

My nice little date:

she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine