Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

Her: “Men are creepy!”

Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”

Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.