Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
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Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys