@robfee

I stopped using Hotmail, it’s not for me. I’d rather have an average mail with a pleasant sense of humor and a fulfilling career.

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@Social_Mime

He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.

@WowItsStephen

Assuming makes an ass out of u and Ming, the thai food delivery boy who you assumed was from Thailand but is actually Chinese.

@FredTaming

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

@aveuaskew

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

@stevevsninjas

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

@shutupmikeginn

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

@ninjadinosaur1

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

@E_lok44

I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers