Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*

Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’

One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!

Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”

Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..

“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”

We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.

No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.