I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
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Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?