Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss

By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%

Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…

Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”

Baker: “What type do you want sir?”

Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”

Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

“You’d better run, egg!”

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

banker: you’re spending more than you bring in

me: god forbid i’m good at something

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

[enter password]

“dog”

[password must be longer]

“dachshund”

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

[at a Doja Cat concert]

me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.