I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
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me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.