I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
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I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.