I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
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[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
just witnessed a drug deal
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
We like the way Dwight thinks
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich