I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
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Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby