Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.

I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work

The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.

most whales are bigger than a strawberry

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

Damn he played himself

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Me: Ok

Mugger: *suddenly poorer*

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

if a cop pulls u over play dead