Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?

https://video.twimg.com/amplify_video/1654067916378198017/vid/576x1024/DO_cVcdasidgPlFI.mp4?tag=14

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

*first day of umpire school*

Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?

Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.

Me: Okay.

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me

bartender: no

me: … excuse me?

bartender (taking my money): you want anything else

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

I have questions??

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*