Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak

Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not

Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

If I ignore life will it go away?

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.