I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
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Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing