WAITER: can i take your order?
HER: *looks at lobster tank* i’ll take that one
ME: *looks out window* i’ll take that pigeon
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
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Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
cop: you know why I pulled you over?
me: u want dating advice
cop: what… no
me: just be yourself
cop: im a cop
me: you’re right don’t be yourself cops suck
me: be the opposite of yourself
cop: a criminal?
me: you know why i pulled you over?
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
*dog barks at absolutely everything, every time*
Me: SHUT UP
*dog barks at burglar, one time*
Me: It’s like he just knew there was danger
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
If you guys don’t hear from your sexy lady friend TC today it’s because he’s spending Father’s Day with his family.