I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

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WAITER: can i take your order?
HER: *looks at lobster tank* i’ll take that one
ME: *looks out window* i’ll take that pigeon


Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?


*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad

*snaps newspaper* that’s better


[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*


cop: you know why I pulled you over?

me: u want dating advice

cop: what… no

me: just be yourself

cop: im a cop

me: you’re right don’t be yourself cops suck


me: be the opposite of yourself

cop: a criminal?

me: yea


me: you know why i pulled you over?


Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.


*dog barks at absolutely everything, every time*


*dog barks at burglar, one time*

Me: It’s like he just knew there was danger


The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.


If you guys don’t hear from your sexy lady friend TC today it’s because he’s spending Father’s Day with his family.