I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
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[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.