I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
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Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Put the is in disheveled
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”