Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

Möther may I have a snäck

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some

Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”

Him: I’m an animal person

Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion