Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?

3yo: No.

Hubs: Is that a new one?

3yo: Yes.

Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?

3yo: …Yes.

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

Just like pasta, it is better to bend people to your will with boiling water and a large wooden spoon than to break them in half.

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

Lost and found pet FB pages

I found this dog in my yard, who does he belong to?? People like this don’t deserve to have pets. This owner should be locked up. What kind of MONSTER would do this???

*update – owner found, lives 3 houses down, leash broke and he ran. All good.

Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.