Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old

It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store

If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet

Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?