Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏

Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*

Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.

Her: oh.

It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.