Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

You’re an open book?

“Throws you into a bonfire.”

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?

Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice