Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it

this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

Sex so good your binoculars fog up.

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “