I stuck my head out the window and moo-ed at the cows, this date will soon be over.
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*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
these can’t be my only options
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.