I stuck my head out the window and moo-ed at the cows, this date will soon be over.
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If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.