Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
You Might Also Like
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
be careful
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.