I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
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My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
🤣🤣🤣
Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.