I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
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MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Basketball
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly