Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.

Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.

Lamb: THAT’S your advice?

Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.

Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!

Therapist: (grins sheepishly)

Lamb:

Therapist:

Lamb:

Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.

Primenesia?

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries

Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.

People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*