I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
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Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
😜
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours