Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

me: I need to get this framed

optometrist: just say you need glasses

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

[first date]

me: are you a reader?

date: omg i love reading

me: [handing her my menu] thank god

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?