Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.

It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.