Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*

*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*

Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

Green is just blue that someone peed in

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

She might be a genius

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

I gave up going to work for lent.

Me: Ah-woooo!

The Moon: [swipes left]

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”