Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

I want this so bad

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]

scientist 1: well?

scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything

s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???

Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

Look, I respect the skill. But no.

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

Me redecorating every room in my mind

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?