I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
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Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Lmbo
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”