I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
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DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Who called it baking and not making love
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
gm
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*