I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
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Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.