I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
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How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.