Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

Me: *wearing white shirt*

Every food in the universe: GET HIM!

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

How dude HOW?!

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years

Me *makes note in diary* will do

SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.