Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

Topic: Excited about mustard!

MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?

InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao

Me: what stopped you

stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.

Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised

I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.

Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?

Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.

Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.