Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim

DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that

imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home

Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!

Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Wife: I think the washer went out

Me: What time will it be back?

Wife: Please get my suitcase

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

also my go-to takeaway order