Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it

#OneLiner

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.

It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you

Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body

[at doctor’s office]

Nurse: You may get undressed now.

Me: [rips off tear away pants]

Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.