I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
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Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
What
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Breaking news:
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings