I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”
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Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.