I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”
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[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I only eat vegetarians.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.
In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*
In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.