Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today

in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops

Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

My 7 year old: *staring at my face*

Me: What is it, sweetie?

My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?

Kids are delightful.

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.