Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]

BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN

I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me

ME: i’m depressed

FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better

ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat