I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
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I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.